Forgiving Self

Forgiving Self

Dear Friends in Christ,

       I am a sinner saved by grace. I truly believe in God and that he sent
his son Jesus to die for our sins. Years ago I asked God to come into my
heart and forgive me of my sins. I believe he did just that, as he promised.

      My problem is that years later things happened in my life. I suffered a
nervous breakdown after a year of terrible events occurring in my life.

      I was a young wife, of an unfaithful husband and a drunkard. I was the
mother of 4 very young children. In a years time I had lost my precious
father, a wonderful man who loved God and taught us to do the same, had my
baby prematurely and was told that she would not make it, but God was and
still is in control. I cried and prayed "Father, please don't take my
child, I've just lost my father two weeks ago" and after weeks of intensive
care in hospital, I was finally able to bring my only little girl home
Then when she was a year old I got uterine cancer. While I was in the
hospital having surgery, my husband was off drinking with his other woman,
who is now his wife.

    He left me and I felt I had been deserted by God and everyone. Things
were hopeless. I broke. I awoke three days later, sitting on a sofa with a
nurse monitoring my blood pressure. I didn't know where I was or what had
happened.

     The first question I asked was where are my children? Well the answer
knocked me to my knee's.

      While I was there my husband and his woman took my 4 babies and placed
them in foster care. I can just imagine them dropping 2 off at one place and
two at another. I can't begin to explain my helplessness. I begged and was
refused, to go find my children and take them with me , wherever that was to
be. But I was in no condition to take care of myself, much less my children,
all pre-school age.

   I felt as if God had deserted me. When I was finally released and still
not allowed to have my children. I couldn't sleep nights for hearing their
cries for me and knowing they were in unfamiliar places with strangers.

    This time my spirit broke and I began a life of self destruction. I could
find God nowhere, or so it seemed at the time.

     My children continued to live in foster care for a couple of years. I
continued to self destruct.

     Finally, they allowed my mother to keep my children. What a joyous day!

    My problem now is that I have asked God to forgive me but seeing the
damage that was done to my children and how that now, even though they are
parents themselves the damage is still there, within them. They are loving,
hard working men and woman but can't bring themselves to believe that there
is a God who will take their burdens unto himself.

    I can't seem to forgive myself, not while seeing the destruction and
damage my ex-husband and I did to them. Are there answers... is there a
solution? I'm trying to be a light to shine for them now by telling them how
God loves them and being a church going mom and grandmom, but I can't seem to
get through and until I do and see some peace for my children, I will
continue to lie awake nights and feel the guilt of my sins so deeply. I ask
myself "how could I have forsaken my babies just because their father did
and I felt so helpless. They did too!

I continue to trust in our Lord and Savior for the answers... and for
peace.. for me... for them. Pray for us please. We need all the Christian
prayers we can get. Thank you and forgive the long read. It's been another
long sleepless night, where I've prayed and then sat down at the computer to
pour my heart out in many words.

In Gods love,
Shelby